A Sad but Vital Part of Life

I recently had the sad yet heart-warming experience of helping my family say goodbye to an elderly relative, my aunt. As a pediatrician and wife of a pathologist, life and death is always part of our conversations, but dealing with it personally was still a very difficult experience as it is for anyone else.

Children in particular do not have the frame of reference that we adults have and they see life only through their own eyes. If a relative dies, their main concerns is how is that is going to affect their lives – will they be able to make to the soccer game next Friday, does this mean mom or dad are next in line, and who is going to take of me and get me to school.

As parents we have to remember that they are children and this is how they think and their comments don’t represent rudeness nor lack of love toward the deceased.

Here are some guidelines to will help your child through a loss:

1. The younger the child the less information needs to be given.

A three year old doesn’t need to know what cancer is. You can say that grandma’s body just got too old and stopped working.

2. Beware of implying that dying is like sleeping.

A child may interpret this as once you fall asleep you too may die and may feel guilty not wanting to be with the deceased person. Even worse, he or she may develop sleep problems thinking that when he/she falls asleep he/she too may die.

3. Talk about your religious beliefs.

Talk to your child about life and death and how your views of it guide you and your family.

4. Avoid excessive emotional burden on your child.

Children need to see that you are grieving, but also need to see that eventually it will be OK. The child will be taken care of and with time, you too will take care of your own needs as well.

5. Saying goodbye.

Plan a celebration of life instead of a funeral. Have pictures to share and talk about the person’s life, the fun times and how they will be remembered.

As sad as it may be, dying is part of living and we will all experience this stage at some point. For the time being, enjoy the day-to-day aspects of being a family, create memories and have faith in the greater purpose of life.

I said goodbye to my aunt with the simple “I love you” and “I’ll see you on the other side – save me a seat!” She smiled.

With peace in my heart,

Dr. Chrystal de Freitas