My Favorite Stage of Motherhood

Most of us become mothers at some point in life. Some don’t. But I did choose to be a mother never realizing what the job entailed. There was an innate desire and I am embraced it not knowing anything about “the job.” No one teaches us how to be a mother, perhaps in our mind we look back to how our own mothers behaved and then do the best we can.

I loved the infancy stage. That total dependency that the infant child has on the mother. This was favorite time. Then the infant grew and the vocabulary exploded and I clearly recall my jaw hurting at the end of the day from reciprocally talking back and forth back and forth. The amazement of how their brains developed and integrated information was literally mind blowing. Maybe this was my favorite stage.

Being the mother of a school-aged child was exciting. This stage was easy too. I loved volunteering at school. I was always amazed at how quickly the year flowed by marked by the yearly rituals of school plays, religious celebrations, birthday and summer traveling. This for sure was my favorite time.

Then came the teenage years. Intense conversations, growth for me as an individual, as I faced our own memories and reconcile my own life and watched my own children experience similar situations and help them make life changing decisions. They were almost adult but not quite. They loved us and we knew but they also had to separate and live their own lives. At last, all the efforts, the talking and the hugs culminate into young adults that have learned to reason, make mistakes and still survive without throwing tantrums. Definitely, this was my favorite stage.

Now my children are young adults and my time has opened up. There is more time to reflect, to reminisce and re-acquaint myself again with my spouse. All those photos are finally being organized and my garage never looked so tidy. My children are in the world make their own choices, charting their own course and being accountable for their own successes and yes, mistakes too. They call regularly, and say “I love you” first instead of “I love you too.“ Perhaps, after all is said and done, this IS my favorite stage of motherhood.

It’s Spring: Time for with The Birds and the Bees with Ease!

If you have an elementary school age child, you will soon be receiving the permission slip to sign that allows your child to attend the basic health education course that schools provide to fourth and fifth graders. These classes are barely one hour and a DVD is shown that describes puberty. This is a complicated topic that takes a lot more than just an hour of education!

Basic health education for our children begins at home. Here are some guidelines to keep in mind:

1 - By the ages of 3 to 4 all children should know the correct names for their private body parts and whether they are a boy or a girl.

2 - Privacy vs. secrecy. Children should understand that their private body parts, those covered by their bathing suits, are considered private and no one should touch them there. They should also know to say “NO” and tell a trusted adult.

3 - By elementary school children should have a good sense of family life. Know that they are loved and respected as individual. They should have a clear sense of family’s religious beliefs and values.

4 - By fifth grade children should understand the basic concepts of birth and conception. Where do babies come from, how do they get out of the mother’s body and how do they get in.

Parents need to talk to their children starting at an early age. Brief, frequent chats incorporating everyday life are much better received than the dreaded one time talk. Speak to your pediatrician regarding guidelines as to what is age appropriate for children of different ages. The earlier the parent initiates these conversations, the easier it is. Children need basic concepts presented in small increments.

For more information on discussing the birds and the bees with ease and tackling the topic of puberty visit www.healthychats.com.

Talk to Your Kids about Exercise

As a general rule, I always find some time during my week to exercise. Of course, running around after three young children was plenty of exercise, but even so, I still made it to the gym or local pool on a weekly basis. Now that my kids are grown up and out of the house, and as I enter a new decade of life (I won’t tell you which decade that is!), I’m taking better care of myself by exercising even more diligently and with greater purpose.

Being a more solitary type of person, swimming is always my preferred exercise. I love the repetitive rhythm of swimming laps and the meditative state swimming can bring on. Recently, however, I decided to go back to my roots and take up dancing as in salsa, as in ZUMBA! The music and the fast pace proved to be an excellent cardio workout. I don’t remember the last time I dripped with sweat like after an hour of zumba.

But then came the aches and pains and realizing that my body is not as young as it once was and perhaps a more gentle activity would soothe me better. This led me to YOGA. A “gentle yoga” where we are all stretching and yawning as the hour progressed.

Nevertheless, YOGA is an ancient practice that is not only good for the body, but it settles the mind. I was teaching a seminar and mentioned YOGA only to see a young girl light up with excitement as she explained that she had just reviewed doing a yoga breathing exercise with her Girl Scout troop. So here are some resources on how to teach young children not only how amazing their bodies are and what can be done with healthy stretching but also how to help calm themselves with yoga.

• The ABCs of Yoga for Kids: A Book for Coloring by Teresa Anne Power & Kathleen Rietz
  

• Children's Book of Yoga: Games & Exercises Mimic Plants & Animals & Objects by Thia Luby

• Gaiam Kids: Yoga Kids Fun Collection - acclaimed DVD set engages your child with fun yoga-style moves and activities to develop physical fitness, learning skills and confidence

These are just a few of the hundreds of books, DVD and resources for doing yoga with children. Have fun and join in with yoga.

Namaste,

Dr. Chrystal de Freitas

P.S. - For those who may not know, Namaste means: “The divinity within me bows to the divinity within you.”

A Sad but Vital Part of Life

I recently had the sad yet heart-warming experience of helping my family say goodbye to an elderly relative, my aunt. As a pediatrician and wife of a pathologist, life and death is always part of our conversations, but dealing with it personally was still a very difficult experience as it is for anyone else.

Children in particular do not have the frame of reference that we adults have and they see life only through their own eyes. If a relative dies, their main concerns is how is that is going to affect their lives – will they be able to make to the soccer game next Friday, does this mean mom or dad are next in line, and who is going to take of me and get me to school.

As parents we have to remember that they are children and this is how they think and their comments don’t represent rudeness nor lack of love toward the deceased.

Here are some guidelines to will help your child through a loss:

1. The younger the child the less information needs to be given.

A three year old doesn’t need to know what cancer is. You can say that grandma’s body just got too old and stopped working.

2. Beware of implying that dying is like sleeping.

A child may interpret this as once you fall asleep you too may die and may feel guilty not wanting to be with the deceased person. Even worse, he or she may develop sleep problems thinking that when he/she falls asleep he/she too may die.

3. Talk about your religious beliefs.

Talk to your child about life and death and how your views of it guide you and your family.

4. Avoid excessive emotional burden on your child.

Children need to see that you are grieving, but also need to see that eventually it will be OK. The child will be taken care of and with time, you too will take care of your own needs as well.

5. Saying goodbye.

Plan a celebration of life instead of a funeral. Have pictures to share and talk about the person’s life, the fun times and how they will be remembered.

As sad as it may be, dying is part of living and we will all experience this stage at some point. For the time being, enjoy the day-to-day aspects of being a family, create memories and have faith in the greater purpose of life.

I said goodbye to my aunt with the simple “I love you” and “I’ll see you on the other side – save me a seat!” She smiled.

With peace in my heart,

Dr. Chrystal de Freitas

Happy New Year!

Another year – where does the time go? As the children get older, time just seems to move on so much more rapidly. I trust you have all had a wonderful Holiday season with family and friends… and as we look forward to another New Year, we always try to set new goals, new resolutions and new dreams.

I took some time this holiday season to prepare picture albums for my children – who are now grown adults! – and presented them to each one. As my husband and I were putting the albums together we laughed, but I secretly felt my eyes well up as I remembered how wonderfully happy and challenging those years with young children were. There is always a shadow lurking in the background saying “did I do enough,” “what would of have done differently” or “gosh... I wish I would of… (fill in the blank).”

But overall, I was good enough and would like to pass on to all of you some fun ideas and tips for family life:

• Routines are so very important – Meals together, bedtime stories, and birthday celebrations all add spice to life and stability to the daily routine.

• Pictures -- because they just don’t remember!! I thought my children would never forget that wonderful trip to Disney when I went all out and even had a breakfast with Mickey! A what?? They had no recollection other than to see themselves in the pictures I had painstakingly saved.

• Have special codes with your children; silly stuff that may only be important to them. We used to do “one good thing and one bad thing”. They each got a turn to recount their day with the good and bad highlights.

• As children grow give them chores and responsibilities. My saying has always been: Little children: little problems, their problems...Big children: big problems, responsible adults.

• Never underestimate the value of sleep, a health habit that endures a lifetime.

• Keep your dentist appointments.

• Immunize your child. Tragedies happen -- and they can be avoided.

• Teach children about the value and the power of money. Open an account with your child and teach them to budget, enjoy and save money.

• Don’t try to fix their problems for them. Children are terribly resilient and the underlying moral values with each tragedy are there for a purpose.

• Last, but of course never the least – smile as broadly as you can every time you greet your child no matter how old they are or what may be going on in their lives at that time; smile and light up in their presence. Let them see that they are such a very special part of your life.

May the New Year bring us all healthy relationships with our children, friends, and rest of the family,

Dr. Chrystal de Freitas

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Holidays & All that Good Stuff to One and All!

This is the season we celebrate by giving gifts. We do this to show others that we care, however, showing that we care doesn’t always have to be in the form of gift giving. In fact, there are well established ways in which ALL of us feel loved.

Let’s look at these different ways in which our children – as well as we – feel loved and incorporate them into this season. Perhaps new rituals, insights into our children's preferences, and loving memories will come forth!

• Gifts. Giving and receiving gifts is certainly a clear way in which others feels loved. But I must laugh as I recall the story of the boy who gives his mother a baseball bat.
• Time Together. Now many parents will say: “But I spend tons of time with my child.” We do while we drive them back and forth to school, running errands, and while cooking dinner. This is not the type of “time together” that shows how much we love them. Of course, these times are needed too, but “time together” means time during which your child is in charge and decides the activity. The parent is the follower, the student, or the caboose. The child is the leader. Time together takes on a new meaning when done this way.
• Hugs. We all remember grandmas’ hugs that engulf us and make us feel so special. A hug, a smile or any verbal expression of joy at the site of our children tells them how very special they are. For the older kids who don’t tolerate bear hugs anymore, a hand on the shoulder, a simple touch of admiration is sufficient.
• Acts of Service. Pick an activity that is a shared interest and engage with your child. This could be coaching his/her team, girl/boy scout activities, serving at a local charity or even re-doing their bedroom. These shared everyday experiences show the child -- by our participation and interest -- that they are part of our lives too.
• Words of Admiration. Talk to them; tell your child how pleased you are about being their parent. What a great job they are doing in school, how much you love them, how adorable they look when they are dressed in a particular way, and on and on and on. Children never tire of hearing the words of admiration.

As I myself have reviewed the above options, I’ve also discovered that for me, acts of service and time together are the main sources of how I like to receive love. If you haven’t recognized it as yet, this information is taken from The Five Languages of Love by Dr. Gary Chapman. This wonderful book has helped me not only understand myself better but also understand how those who are important in my life like to be loved.

I hope it can help you with the same. It’s never too late to learn to show and receive love!

Happy New Year to all of us!

May you love and be loved,

Dr. Chrystal de Freitas

Your Child’s Strengths

Many of you know that I teach a seminar for mothers and daughters about puberty, menstruation, birth and conception. Before I start each seminar I ask each mother to introduce her daughter (often to the girl's embarrassment!) by describing her in a single word. This simple task can be truly revealing, and what I’m actually after in asking this is to find out what the daughter’s strongest trait is in her mother’s eyes. Regardless of your child’s age, take a moment to complete this exercise: what word would you use to describe your child?

Pediatric literature tells us that as early as age three, a child’s dominant personality traits are beginning to show. Simply being aware of your child’s favorite activities and behavioral patterns can provide some insight into what your child’s strengths may be. For example:

• The rambunctious toddler who is a daredevil now may later in life be the athlete.
• The melodramatic preschooler who cries at the minor mishap may later on become an amazing actress who is able to express emotions in a unique way.
• The child who would rather draw and color may be a future artist.
• The one who loves to read and can’t get enough books may be the writer, the producer or the editor of the local newscast.

Now, not all the strengths are appealing or as clear cut as the above examples. Here are others:

• Kids who argue and are contrarians about everything make us wish for a more receptive child. Yet, these youngsters are great debaters, lawyers and later in life go on to serve great causes.
• The teen that only wants to play music and bang on the drums in lieu of math may be giving us a clear tune of what his or her future may be.

As parents, we all want our children to find activities that they can excel at and enjoy. Before the typical onslaught of extra-curricular activities begins, encourage your child in the activities they are naturally drawn to and happiest doing. Don’t be afraid to discover what your child is attracted to, and let them guide you. It will pay off in the long run.

Wishing you healthy chats with your children,

Dr. Chrystal de Freitas